The moletache; neither in death nor in jest.

On your travels around the globe you will invariably pick up a plethora of words from different languages that meet your daily requirement to describe stuff not necessarily covered in the Queen’s good English. Actually, quite often you’ll find words that are a damned sight better than their English equivalent, the best of which are singular words that replace a string of prose in your native tongue.

Of course, this ever growing collection of wonderful new words is fabu for you and your international pals, but when you get back home, people often have little to no idea what you are talking about.

While importing home town slang to your new country of living choice may also be useful in chatting with your fellow countrymen without all and sundry getting your drift, some of the local slang patter doesn’t go too far astray either.

Oddly during our scavenging for these phrases, we could come up with nothing (well, printable at least) that describes the predatory nature of the relationship between older fatter balding expat men, and stunning young Vietnamese women. We felt sure that a name somehow similar to Cougar must have been applied. We couldn’t find one, but if you have one, can we borrow it?

Motobike – shouted, chanted, sing a song of six penced, the word has come to mean pretty much anything. Originating from the offer of the services of a xe om (motorbike taxi) driver, as the only English word many of them know, it is then pressed into service in many other matters. It covers all kinds of things from a simple greeting, to more complex notions such as “Good lord, there goes a foreigner driving/walking/flying at six thousand feet above me, and I would like to acknowledge his presence and feel this should be done in a vocal manner, but given the speed he is travelling at, I’d better use something short and snappy, i.e. the first word I can think of, which is also, conveniently, the only one I know.”

Oi gioi oi (North) Oi troi oi (south) - lit. “oh my god!” again another set of words that can be used in a multitude of situations to express things the same as its English translation. Most commonly employed by backpackers and expats in their first year, oi troi oi is kind of cute and humorous at first but rapidly loses its charm.

Nau da – Literally “brown and ice”. Employing this little gem in ordering your iced coffee is better than the alternative list of all the ingredients (café sua da – coffee, milk, ice).

Molestache (alt. moletachio) - The height of fashion for the older man, growing the hairs out of your mole to wispy lengths is deemed lucky and down right distinguished. Coupled with long fingernails, a man may be so charged with luck and distinction that he really, really stands apart from the other xe om drivers on the corner.

The Que – The deep dark countryside, or for city folks, anywhere outside the urban limits. Indicators that you are in the que include those clackery old ploughs that have been turned into two wheeled engines to pull trucks, every second sign is for a dog meat restaurant and there are chickens under your wheels. The que is also full of wild and dangerous animals, such as snakes and sabre tooth deer, which will leap from trees and knock you from your “motorbike”.

Que – Invariably used as a derogatory way to describe someone’s dress sense, education level or their habit of eating with their filthy hands. In the city it’s a low level term of abuse levelled at people doing dumb stuff; best employed before you start saying things about their mothers.

Siu Black – Derogatory. A fat chick, named after a robust domestic diva. One day during a ride out of town, a portly friend grew thirsty and sought beer from a sidewalk vendor. Unable to cut the Vietnamese from her thick accent, the vendor sought out one of the Vietnamese in the group and asked “What does Siu Black want?”

Broken meter taxi – A taxi company you aren’t familiar with, and probably won’t use again after you are presented with the bill.

No Problem! No Problem! – Describes any situation in which someone has just made a blunder that has created a situation that is definitely not “no problem” for the people around him. Having said these magic words, the air is instantly cleared of any wrongdoing on his part that may have led to the unpleasant occurrence in the first place.

Yes. Thank you very much. (informal: OK!) – I have not been listening to you.

Long haired dictionary – A Vietnamese girlfriend

Nguoi rung – Literally “forest person”, Nguoi rung is the Vietnamese equivalent of the Yeti or the Sasquatch, but with a curious twist. While Nguoi rung is still a missing link type figment of crypto-zoological wonderment, he doesn’t hail from the ape side aspiring to be a human. No genetic throwback is nguoi rung. Indeed, he is a man who has made the decision to return to nature, grow soft fur from head to toe and forage for food in the jungle. Apparently, some habits die hard though, and nguoi rung still prefers to live in a hut and most stories feature a Mrs Rung.

Mot tuan bia (A week of beers) – TGL has been over this before. A week (mot tuan) can be used to describe a cycle of things, or more perhaps more appropriately, the time period during which a man may gamble in order to test his luck. Shorter than a week will most likely not give one enough time to win back his losses, while giving him just enough time to really get in the hole.

The Spratley Defence – The magic by which something becomes true simply by writing it down, more so if you photograph it too.

Friend or Phap? – Oft heard around town, the sound of a Minsk motorcycle means either someone you know is passing by or it’s just another one of those arrogant French people going wherever it is that Phaps go, to do whatever it is that Phaps do. Probably with garlic and berets.

Other useful titbits:

Thanh cui vang vao mat (to hit in the face with a piece of wood) – obviously has its uses when describing the wrestling match on tele last night. Also, when spoken, can easily be disguised as “Thank you very much”.

Anh la thi si boi vi anh biet (I’m a poet and I know it) – This timeless phrase is a true example of why the classics never go out of style.

When the bird lays eggs under the water and the eel lays eggs in the tree, then I’ll marry you. – As long as it is self explanatory. 

The Good Life

(special thanks to Brian, Connla, Collette, Dave, Dan, Giles, Maria, and Melissa.)